No, obviously I have not killed myself, but why would I call the title of this blog that? Because I have thought about it. I have thought of many different ways I could kill myself. It was not a proud moment in my life. I thought about drowning myself, hanging myself, shooting myself, pretty much anything that could kill me I thought about doing it to myself. Though it is a sad memory for me. I don’t like thinking about it, much less talk about it, because it’s one of those topics that isn’t something to be proud of.
I can talk about how happy I am I didn’t go through with ending my own life. The reasons why I thought about ending my own life is the saddest part. The main reason is depression. I never really thought of myself as depressed while I was still in school, but looking at my past I have realized that I was.
Before I turned 14 I had my first alcoholic drink. Little did I know that would kick start a frenzy for me. By 15 I wanted to drink, drink, drink, and drink. By 17 I was drinking so much, and begging for a love also. I was lonely all those years, and all I wanted was to be with someone. Yep little did I know that having my first alcoholic drink would lead me to a deeper loneliness, that I didn’t even think I had.
Again I didn’t really think I was depressed or lonely then. Before I turned 18 the start of my junior year in high school I was done with drinking. My friend Josh had a party at his house the summer before our junior year, and he had gotten caught for it. He decided to say it wasn’t worth getting into trouble anymore, and I agreed with him. I stopped drinking that year and I had a hard time with it, but I managed until 20, but that’s beside the point.
The point is this, I quit drinking, but my loneliness and depression wasn’t gone. Again I didn’t think of it like that back then, but I will get to when I finally realized I was lonely and depressed. Anyway by my senior year I was happier, but there was still something missing and I knew there was. I had gotten in touch with God again, and He made my days better. But when I was with my friends I was lonely, when I wasn’t with my friends I was even lonelier. I just couldn’t beat that part.
Well before the end of my senior year I got a break. I was happy getting to know God more, and God presented my first girlfriend. I felt not lonely anymore, but after graduation I focused more on her and less on God. I practically dropped God…again. Doing that lead to bad times with my first lady friend. That led to my depression to come back. After 9 months of dating it was over, and that’s when my first thoughts of suicide came. I know that is a sad reason to think about ending my life. And it’s okay if someone wanted to say that to me, because I know it was, but I still thought about it.
I just couldn’t beat my depression. I picked my Bible back up, I started praying again, what was the answer? Well it took me a few years. I still battled some loneliness and some depression here and there. By 23 I figured it out. Not only is reading the Bible and praying is good, but being fully submerged in the Word, and God. I decided I had had enough of my depression, and I started reading my Bible more. I started praying more. I fully submitted to God. I know it may be hard to believe, but my depression left. On occasion I will get to a point where I don’t care, but I fast for a week from the particular thing I think may be causing such behavior and thoughts. That week gives me a chance to remember what I have instead of really worrying about what I don’t have.
God was my one and only answer. Sure people have many solutions, but look closely. Do they really appear to be happy? Sure I have days of sadness, but who doesn’t? I am content now about where I am. All the thanks and glory belongs to God, because without Jesus I don’t know where I would be today. No matter what may be your reasons for depression or suicide may be, don’t let them beat you, because you are worth more than this world can offer. God loves us, loves you too much to give up us, or you. It may take time, and trust me it can, but once you truly open up to God your life will change. Sure you may still get certain feelings here and there, but you are human just like me, and that’s going to happen, again just let God in, and watch your world change.
You will feel His arms of mercy and grace, and His love will light your life. I know He did it for me, and more than likely many others. God Bless, and remember you are worth more than what this world can offer!
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