In Fall 2013, I had an okay life. I had an okay life in comparison that is. I was in school for my second bachelor’s and doing pretty well. I had a job teaching dance to children which I loved. I also had a supportive family and great friends. Somehow, some way, I still found myself with insomnia more nights than I could count. I still found myself feeling lost in life. I still couldn’t fill a void that was in my heart. I had an idea of what I wanted in my life but I was still very unsure of so many things. I had so much more than most but still wasn’t truly happy. At the same time, I didn’t know exactly what I was missing.
You see, I love dance and performing. I have been dancing since I was six years old. I knew I wanted to start a performance company of some kind but never had the confidence to get it off the ground. I know that’s probably hard for my friends to believe. The girl that was captain of the dance team and has performed in front of thousands of people, lacked the confidence. Truthfully, it was insecurity and fear. Not only did I not have the boldness but I also didn’t have focus. I knew generally what I wanted to do but could never narrow it down enough to get a plan together. So there I was, wandering aimlessly. To be completely honest, I tried to fill that void with anything but God.
Until, God found me. I say he found me because I was the one that was lost the whole time. God never moved. I was looking for the answers to the universe, in the universe, instead of looking to the one who CREATED the universe. I began to seek God like never before. I read my Bible, journaled on scriptures pertaining to my life and my situations, and went to every Bible Study or prayer meeting I could. I needed to seek His presence. I needed more of Him in my life. (and STILL need ! )
Let me tell you the upside to discovering the root to my problem. Ummm, everything! Besides salvation and a greater relationship with God, I gained focus. This was big for me at 23 years old because this is the age where we are the most prone to feeling unsatisfied with our lives. Some of our peers are in their careers moving up the ladder. Others are getting masters and doctoral degrees. Others are content with being wives/mothers and husbands/fathers. What about those who are in between? My relationship with God gave me enough insight to know that he has a purpose for my life that has been predestined since I was formed in my mothers womb. Everything that I am doing right now for the advancement of His Kingdom is vital. This season is vital. This preparation time is vital. Nothing is more important than spending time with Him and allowing the Holy Spirit to guide my decisions, actions, and everything in between. So worrying or comparing myself to others was pointless. Why compare yourself to people that don’t have your destiny??
There is really no downside to seeking a closer relationship with Christ. But, you will be uncomfortable. I heard everything from “she’s holier than thou now” to “you are a future deaconess”. So many people disliked the change in me. I couldn’t understand why? The sweetness of God flowed out of me like a river. I was different but I loved the difference. I made it a point to acknowledge who I used to be and who I wanted to become. Truthfully, I lost friends. I got hit with attack after attack by the enemy because he was afraid. I had been living according the world for so long, it probably seemed like a night and day difference. I was isolated and lonely and desperate! But ultimately, it was worth everything I went through. It was worth my life! I HAD to make a change. I thank God for those months everyday. He believed in me enough to look beyond my iniquities and choose me for this purpose. He could have picked anyone but He picked ME! As hard as it is to die to my own fleshly desires daily (because the desires don’t just GO AWAY, by any means), it is so worth it. I would rather wreck my own desires and break my own heart than break God’s heart. He deserves only my best for giving me so much.
So now, I do own my own performance company. We choreograph for dance teams and churches around the south. We get opportunities every day and all glory belongs to my Savior. He gave me the boldness of Christ to tell fear to bow down. I also have a great church family that supports me and a plethora of people that love me. God has exchanged what I thought was the bomb.com and is giving me his BEST! There is even more to come as I continue to place God as the head of my life and seek His wisdom. I also know that it will come with more challenges and attacks by the enemy as He continues to enlarge my territory. By studying His Word and remaining humble, I will be prepared for anything the enemy can dish out.